“It has been an hours and fifty minutes since I’ve been by myself. I’ve enjoyed hanging out with Frankie, but the routines have piled up as usual and now I’m at bursting point. When I spend uninterrupted time with other people, a dam builds in my head. It can hold the words back for a while, but at some point they’ll surge free and overflow, and there will be chaos”

Because We Are Bad is a memoir by British model, journalist and author, Lily Bailey. Even in her earliest memories of childhood, Lily Bailey recalls having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Of course, she didn’t know what it was then: diagnosis and treatment did not happen until she was sixteen. But obsessions and compulsions filled her life: rituals and routines ruled her every waking moment.

OCD manifests in a myriad of different ways, and the triggers (obsessions) for the compulsions are as varied as the compulsive behaviours themselves (it’s not all hand washing). In Lily’s case, she was convinced that she was bad, and would constantly analyse her actions to confirm or challenge that belief. From an early age, her OCD was like a voice inside her, a very real presence (“She”), convincing her of her badness and telling her what she needed to do to negate it. During the explanation by her psychiatrist of what happens in OCD, “She is sulking in a corner of my brain”.

Bailey’s account of her life so far is candid and illuminating. As Lily describes the debilitating rituals she followed, revealing how energy-sapping and time-consuming they were, the reader will wonder just how much more this obviously intelligent girl might have achieved without this handicap. Bailey demonstrates the negative effects of guilt and shame, and also psychological mismanagement. The positive results that come from good management, from understanding and acceptance are apparent in Lily’s recovery.

This inspirational memoir ends on a positive note: “Sometimes I have bad days where grey thoughts saunter in like unwanted dinner guests; the trick is not to invite them to sit at the table. They get bored in time, and show themselves out of the back door”. This should be required reading for Mental Health Professionals; anyone who has an interest in OCD is sure to find this an interesting and captivating read.
With thanks to Bookstr and Allen & Unwin for this copy to read and review.