Mad Comedypresents the ultimate collection of riotously funny new jokes. From America's top standup comics, these jokes are fresh from beer-soaked microphones of the hottest comedy clubs and are guaranteed to make you laugh out loud.

The Discriminating Palate

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me your finest 19-year scotch."

The bartender figures the man won't know the difference, so he decides to trick the man with 5-year scotch.

The man takes a sip, scowls and says, "Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 19-year scotch."

The bartender tries once more with a 10-year scotch.

The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, "Bartender, I don't want 10-year scotch like this filth. Give me 19-year scotch!"

Impressed, the bartender gets the 19-year scotch from the top shelf. The man takes a sip and sighs, "Ah, now that's the good stuff."

A disgusting, grimy, stinking old drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and slurs, "Hey, I think that's really amazing what you can do. Try this one."

The man takes a sip and immediately spits it out on the bar and cries, "Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!"

The drunk's eyes light up and he says, "Yeah, it is piss -- now tell me how old I am!"

Sensitivity

The clitoris has over 8,000 nerve endings.

But it's still not as sensitive as a vegan on social media.

The Surprise Visitor

A man rings a doorbell and an eleven-year-old boy answers the door wearing a silk robe, smoking a blunt with a cloud of marijuana smoke swirling around his head, and with a glass of bourbon in one hand.

Taken aback, the man asks, "Is your mom home?"

"What do you think?" asks the boy.